Why Are Adult Friendships So Hard?
Making and building adult friendships is HARD. As a therapist this is something that I hear about often especially in such a transitional city like NYC.
The reality is building and maintaining friendships is hard work; they require consistency, effort, intentionality, respect, trust, reciprocity just like any other relationship. And amidst ongoing life changes and busy schedules, it can feel impossible to build or maintain friendships. While many can cognitively understand this, it does not remove or assuage the deep feelings of loneliness and longing for connection. At the end of the day, we are meant to do life with others, to be in community.
So what do you do?
First, accept that deep connections with people are rare. So often people have this image and expectation that they will develop deep, vulnerable connections with all their friends. The reality is you will not and cannot have deep connections with all your friends, and that is okay! In fact, this is what makes our close friendships so special. You will have different kinds of friends that will have different roles in various seasons in your life and that is absolutely okay! Friends will come and go, and even within friendships there will be ebbs and flows.
Second, accept that this will take time. Building authentic and genuine connections with others is a slow burn. This may mean that this is a season where you are spending a lot of time with yourself. Get comfortable spending time with yourself and learn to enjoy spending time with yourself. During this time, it can be easy for your mind to slip into old narratives, narratives that tell us that we are unlikeable, that we will never feel accepted, that no one is thinking of us. Remember that this is temporary, and that this is not about you.
Third, as you are making friends, treat it like a part time job and show up consistently regardless of how you are feeling. Our brains are wired to keep us safe, and conflates familiarity with safety. You are doing something new; while that can be exciting, it can also feel intimidating. Waiting to feel a certain way can become a barrier. For those that are more introverted, you are especially not going to feel very excited or motivated to meet new people. And that is okay!
If you are unsure of where to start, here are some practical ways to meet new people!
Join a sport leagues
Join or make a book club
Join or make a supper club
Register for language classes
Volunteer
If you have a dog, go to the dog park and meet other dog owners!
If you practice a religion, go to a place of worship nearby, go to events that they are hosting, talk to people!
Join interest groups online
Utilize your current network to make introductions
As you start meeting new people, be the friend you would want. Be patient and kind towards yourself, and if necessary reach out to a professional for support!