Closure Is a Myth
Have you bought into the narrative that you need closure to heal and move forward from a relationship? That you need to have that cathartic release as you stand face to face with your ex-partner in an emotionally charged conversation? I know I did, but spoiler alert: closure is a myth.
We spend a lot of time thinking and talking about closure and not enough time asking ourselves why we want closure. What is it that you’re truly looking for and expecting when you’re seeking closure from another person? Is it a clean ending, clarity, affirmation, validation, truth, a sense of control? These desires are deeply human, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to feel validated or seen in your pain, efforts, and sacrifices. However, it may be harmful to place that expectation on another person.
The Myth of External Closure
Seeking closure from another person makes our healing process dependent on them—it gives them more power, more control. The truth is, they have already shown you that they are incapable of giving you the closure you desire. Perhaps they are uncommunicative, have low self-awareness, struggle with boundaries, or fail to take ownership and accountability. This is not to villainize them—after all, there were reasons why you were with them—but perhaps there were signs you overlooked.
You know this person well. Is it fair and realistic to expect that they will suddenly become communicative, self-aware, or capable of setting healthy boundaries and taking accountability? If they did, you probably wouldn’t be in this position. The reality is that seeking closure from someone who has already shown they can’t provide it may lead to further disappointment and delay your healing process.
Understanding the Need for Closure
While we have been conditioned and taught to believe that closure means a final conversation, an explanation, or an apology, research and psychological theory suggest otherwise. Closure is actually less about the actions of others and more about our internal processing. It’s about making sense of the situation, finding meaning, and deciding to move forward.
Finding Closure Within Yourself
The reality is you can find closure within yourself by letting go and practicing acceptance—letting go of the future you thought you would have together, letting go of the image of the relationship, accepting who they are, what happened, and the relationship for what it was.
Some people may say that they don’t want to cry for their former person, that they don’t want to feel hurt and sad, but feeling those feelings are for you. Allowing yourself to process internally is a way to honor yourself, your experience, your efforts, your hurt, and to give yourself the closure that you need. While you may feel a lack of agency in the moment, in actuality you are reclaiming your agency and narrative. Your healing now isn’t dependent on anyone else’s actions or words, but yours.
Moving Forward
If you are struggling in the aftermath of a breakup, the ending of a situationship, or perhaps you are in the process of going through a separation or divorce, know that you are not alone, and that there is a path forward. Healing is possible, and you can move forward to live a beautiful life.
If you are in need of support and are based in the state of New York, feel free to reach out to a therapist on our team. Simply fill out the contact form at https://www.kathrynleetherapy.com/workwithus, and you can start finding the closure you need. You deserve peace, and we're here to help you find it.